If you asked me why I didn’t choose to love earlier, to let this substance in my heart called love come into action earlier on in my life; I’m not sure if I can give you an answer. I mean, life is short as it is, and one day of denying yourself love may or may not make a difference. But today I wonder.
Because being in love one day earlier might mean embracing another being, imperfections and all, one day more. It might mean desiring to give your all for one person, one day more. It might mean allowing your heart to expand and contract, for one day more. It might mean having a chance to love, and be loved, for one day more.
So why did I choose just the opposite? To deny myself of all these lessons of love for just one more day, just one more day, and still one more day? These days have grown into months, months into years, and still I choose to turn away from the taste and wring of love. Just what for?
I guess sometimes I wonder this too. I wonder if I may have been a much more mature person today, had I loved one day earlier, perhaps when love came knocking 3 years back. I wonder if I could have loved people greater if I myself already had someone to love. I wonder if I wouldn’t be so distracted, disconcerted, undecided, if I had long fixed my choice upon that him. I wonder if I will not now be wondering all these thoughts, had I chosen to love earlier on. Before I find myself, well, here.
But all that’s done is done, and I am where I am now. I may be living with a regret today, but I still hang on to His promise of His plans that prosper me and will not harm me, His plans to give me hope and a future. His plans that would one day remove all regret and guilt and vanity, and put in place His way of seeing, and of loving.
“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”
“I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking.”
Pause, and remember this instance where you are at peace with your world, with your past, with yourself.
"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."
If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it
If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will
Can You help me find it, can you help me find it?
"God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter – they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering."
Too many memories. Here, there, everywhere. I remember 2011 where turning 21 meant living young and free. I flirted with all those ideas, those moments, was enveloped within the best company that my life, perhaps, ever would have had. 2011 saw me grow like never before. I remember 2012 where I had the finest summer e-v-e-r, in a city I came to love even more with new friends from the wildest ends of the earth. If my heart had hands, these people clasped them so tight and pulled them so faraway from the reality I’d known back home. 2012 taught me to yearn. 2013, the hugest transitions happened one after another after another; FYP, graduation, Sydney. New people who entered, an earnest one who left, even more who left. I guess 2011, 2012 and 2013 taught me too much on missing people, but never enough lessons on holding onto them. 2013, I think I’m still trying to love you in 2014, simultaneously trying not to dislike myself too much for all the potential mistakes another new year holds. Life, you are a never-ending lesson, and Lord, how much I need to believe in the plans You have for me, especially this one plan which I seem to continuously make a mess of. </3.
“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I’m gazing at a distant star. It’s dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn’t even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
And hindsight is a wicked, wicked thing.