ephemera.
/ the universe as it is to me

"Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it."

In and out, out and in, all these things I’ve subjected myself and those around me to. Today feels slightly different though, somehow. I cannot promise that tomorrow I will feel some more different, or some less different, but today does feel different. In a happy way. In a possibly-I-could-do-this way. Might have something to do with the painting I completed for you, for myself, but, 

Indeed, I know I have not really lost you, even though clearly physically I have - you still exist in all these places within me. I still keep your lessons on believing in people, your love for life, your simpleness, and the way you felt just like home. I will keep them for a long time; I can’t forget these even if I tried with all my strength, and I don’t want to forget them ever.

'Afterwardness'

'Oh, the deep, unending sadness of what might have been! God never again opens the doors that have been closed. He opens other doors, but He reminds us that there are doors which we have shut - doors which had no need to be shut… Let your memory have its way with you. It is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you.'

“I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.” 

My own desert places;

Have you ever felt afraid of thinking, only because you know your thoughts enter daydreams they cannot leave? You’d rather fill your empty mind with every narrative but the ones your own head concocts; your thoughts feel safer in these external channels where they can flourish for just that while, and then, die away.

I’m scared to think, because my thoughts pull me in all directions, but don’t get me anywhere. Music, and shows, and films - fill me, fill me, fill me. Be my escape till I can think again.

It never really goes away, does it?

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

This week’s lessons:
1. To always be kind
2. To always be available
3. To always search for His peace

Letting myself make mistakes, daydream, have a secret, finish a mudpie, stand up for an old man, watch hours of telly, stare into space, not feel bad, have time, take time, pause, ignore text messages, fall asleep rewatching winter sonata, reminisce, breathe, miss you.

"Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind."

“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars—on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.” 

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

If you asked me why I didn’t choose to love earlier, to let this substance in my heart called love come into action earlier on in my life; I’m not sure if I can give you an answer. I mean, life is short as it is, and one day of denying yourself love may or may not make a difference. But today I wonder.

*

Because being in love one day earlier might mean embracing another being, imperfections and all, one day more. It might mean desiring to give your all for one person, one day more. It might mean allowing your heart to expand and contract, for one day more. It might mean having a chance to love, and be loved, for one day more.

*

So why did I choose just the opposite? To deny myself of all these lessons of love for just one more day, just one more day, and still one more day? These days have grown into months, months into years, and still I choose to turn away from the taste and wring of love. Just what for?

*

I guess sometimes I wonder this too. I wonder if I may have been a much more mature person today, had I loved one day earlier, perhaps when love came knocking 3 years back. I wonder if I could have loved people greater if I myself already had someone to love. I wonder if I wouldn’t be so distracted, disconcerted, undecided, if I had long fixed my choice upon that him. I wonder if I will not now be wondering all these thoughts, had I chosen to love earlier on. Before I find myself, well, here.

*

But all that’s done is done, and I am where I am now. I may be living with a regret today, but I still hang on to His promise of His plans that prosper me and will not harm me, His plans to give me hope and a future. His plans that would one day remove all regret and guilt and vanity, and put in place His way of seeing, and of loving.

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.” 

“I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking.” 

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